Positive Parenting With Olu

If you have a child whose angry outbursts have become a problem, it’s important to teach him the skills he needs to deal with his feelings in a healthy way. 

I got a phone call from my son’s school about his behaviour last week, I don’t know about you, but I hate those calls 😡. I have also observed that he has been angry lately, he gets angry about little things and lashes out. We have talked about how to cope with anger several times and he has been managing it well until recently.

I know I can’t stop my son’s misbehaviour without relating to the underlying feelings and unmet needs driving the behaviour (usually insecurity, confusion, fear, frustration, sadness)

Being aware that there is always a reason behind a misbehaviour. I asked him what the matter was. Apparently, he had some issues with his friends which caused them to break up their friendship, as a result he feels sad but he isn’t sure if this is the reason for his misbehaviour ♥️♥️♥️.

I had a talk with him, and I advised him to talk to his friend and try to sort things out. 

We also practice some anger management so as to manage his behaviour.

Here are some tips on how to teach your kids how to deal with their anger

Starting by understanding what anger is. 

Anger is a strong feeling that you get when something bad happens to you, or someone does something wrong that you don’t like. 

We all know as adults, when we are angry, we lose control and make bad choices😊

WHY DO CHILDREN GET ANGRY?

Children get angry BECAUSE they have more UNDERLYING FEELINGS happening, and they don’t know how to deal with all those feelings inside their body, so they lashed out 😄

Most of the time anger comes from when children are scared or helpless 🙁

The first step in helping a child manage his anger in healthier ways is to pinpoint the underlying causes and to address the root of the anger problems. 

👉Here are 4 positive tips to teach your kids on how to cope with anger 👇

1. RESPOND INSTEAD OF REACT – for some people when anger triggered, they want to do something about it right away. This is called REACTING. When you react you usually don’t think about the consequences and can end up doing or saying something hurtful RESPONDING – means you’re taking some time to figure out the best way to handle the situation. Explain to your child that the next time they get upset about something, they should stop and think it through instead of reacting 

2. CALM YOUR BODY DOWN – explain to your children that when they have that feeling of anger coming up in their body they should remember to breath, count 1-10, go for a walk, listen to music, play a game or draw. All of these things will help them to take away their focus from the anger and give them time to calm down. 
3. USE POSITIVE SELF TALK – Positive self-talk is when you say positive things to yourself to get your feelings of anger to go away. Please teach these skills to your kids and here are examples of things they can say to themselves (“It’s not a big deal, just let it go”, or “Is this person really worth getting in trouble for?”) 
4. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS – Explain to your kids that when they are feeling angry, they should share their feelings with the other person in a calm and respectful way, this may help the other party understand the situation from your child’s point of view and might get this other party to apologise and change their behaviour. 

MY FINAL THOUGHTS, sometimes kids display angry outbursts because it’s an effective way to get their needs met. If a child throws a temper tantrum and you give him a toy to keep him quiet, he’ll learn that temper tantrums are effective.

Dear parents, don’t give in to your child to avoid a meltdown. Although that may be easier in the short-term, in the long run giving in will only make behavioural problems and aggression worse

Here’s a question for you, what things do you do to calm yourself when angry? 👇👇👇👇

For me, most times I either leave the room or just take a deep breath 😀 (I said most times not all the time😂)

REMEMBER THIS👇👇👇

Our anger is a part of us, but it doesn’t have to control us. Anger is a powerful emotion and often feels overwhelming and unsettling for kids.

🎯But if anger is not channeled well it becomes an aggression and may result in violence which is dangerous for them and others.

PLEASE REMEMBER THIS

CHILDREN MISBEHAVING IS ALWAYS A CRY FOR HELP!

Angry outbursts are an expression of big feelings and these feelings are real and deserve to be cared for before parent and child can get back on track with a healthy cooperation.

Please leave comment below so that we can keep the conversation going. I’m happy to answer any questions about today’s topic.

Thanks

Olu

Happy parenting 

Be intentional

Funke! Otun ti tole” (meaning Funke, you have wet the bed again!)

I woke up with a loud noise followed with a big slap on my face! It was my mum trying to wake me up after I had had an accident 😃 (bedwetting) I was 10 then. I won’t be able to share the gory details of what I had to go through because it is considered child abuse now 😃

My son also stopped wetting the bed at age of 10. So, I get it!! I often hear stories from parents about their kids’ bedwetting. 

Bedwetting can be frustrating and annoying for parents, especially if you have a child that is still bedwetting at 12 years old.  

By age 7 children are expected to have stopped bedwetting, although some children continue to bed-wet due to medical reasons.  However, today’s talk is about kids who bed=wet due to laziness and reluctance to wake up to go to the bathroom and pee. 

Today I’m going to talk about 4 steps on how to stop bedwetting before your children are 10. You can still use this method if your child still bed-wets at 11 and over. 

You may think that bedwetting should be addressed before children turn 7, but developmentally speaking age 7 is about when we start to get concerned about it. 

What causes bedwetting,

According to one Doctor Barbara, it comes down to two primary causes. 

1.A deficiency in antidiuretic hormone which is the hormone that wakes us up when we’re sleeping.

2.The other cause has to do with DEEP SLEEPING 😴 

Laziness is one of the reasons why some kids wet the bed, because they can’t be bothered to get up and go to the toilet. In my research, I learnt that there is a part of our brain that talks to our body when it’s time to pee. We all understand the urge we get when our bladder is full and we have to go ease ourselves, that is the communication between our brain and our body. 

However, because children who are bedwetters are in deep sleep, they get the message or the feeling, but their body do not think it is important enough to get up, so they ignore it and have accidents on the bed. 

In order to help manage your child’s bedwetting habits, you have to train your child to stand up, whenever she feels the need to pee in the night. For this to work you need to be able to follow through and stick to it until you get the result you want. 

So how are you going to do that?

It requires positivity and commitment!!

1. Firstly, you need to stay positive! This is really important because the reality is that so many accidents will happen before things get better, and positivity will be needed so as to not get frustrated with yourself and your child. 
2. Secondly, make sure they go to the bathroom twice before the go to bed. This act is called “Double Urinating”
3. Thirdly, you need to buy a bedwetting alarm 🚨 (an underpants alarm). Alarm system – Set an alarm, for every 2 hours so you can wake your child up to go to pee. With some practice, you’d get to the point where the alarm wakes the child up, and with more practice the alarm won’t be needed because the internal alarm, the feeling that comes from the bladder wakes the child when they need to go. 
4. Fourthly, you need to teach your child how to do her own laundry. they need to be responsible for their own hygiene. teach them how to wash the bed sheet and their pyjamas and how to say clean

REMEMBER THIS – The alarm may not wake the child, but it should wake you the parent up so you are able to wake your child to go use the loo at night. When you do this enough and keep practicing this, your child will start to wake up …) 

You have to do this with positivity and commitment because it could take anywhere from 3 – 4 nights, to 10 to 15 nights to get results. 

It doesn’t happen overnight and be ready for one or more bedwetting incidents. Be ready for that, expect it

My final thoughts 

Dear parents, there is no need to punish or shame your child because they wet the bed, remember it was an accident. Your child already feels ashamed and sorry, which is why most of them hide their wet clothes away from you. 

It also causes low self-esteem, most girls who bed-wet will not want to go on school trips or on sleep overs because they wouldn’t want to be embarrassed. So, parent all you need to do is help and support them. If you stay committed and positive, it will pass.

Your children need your help, so help them. No more excuses, because we know better now. Also, because we are intentional about how we parent our children now

Happy parenting

Olu

#Positiveparentingwitholu

Few weeks ago, my teenage son came home from school angry and frustrated about something. I asked what the problem was, but he shrugged his shoulder and mumbled, and went into his room and slammed the door on my face. I opened his door and asked him again, still no response, he was in one of his “mood” I said to myself, because I couldn’t get through to him, I left him alone.

I was not happy about his behaviour, but I stayed calm.  if this had happened a year ago, I would have run into his room with anger and yelled at him and maybe taken away his phone and his games, and of course he wouldn’t have liked that, and things might have gone “south”. 

However, I have come to realise that whenever my son is in one of his moods, all I need to do as an adult is to stay calm and remember that it’s not about me and that this will pass. 

About an hour after the incident, he came into my room to apologise and we talked about what happened. 

As a parent, you can feel hurt, worried, and unsure about what’s happened when you have an argument like this. Your teenagers used to value your input, but now it seems that most conversations turn into arguments. 

Disrespectful or rude behaviour in teenagers is something many parents face at some point. I know I did! 😀

Here are some strategies that might help you manage this kind of behaviour when faced with them.

Not all teenagers will be rude or disrespectful but acting like this is a normal part of teenage growth and development. Your teens are learning to express and test out their own independent ideas, so there will be times when you will disagree. 😊

Also, teenagers can be quite moody because of how teenage brains develop and change.  I’m still learning about the teenage brain myself, because it’s so complicated. 

I learned that the rational part of a teen’s brain isn’t fully developed and won’t be until age 25 or so

That’s why they are the way they are. 

For example, my 17 year old sometimes behaves like a grown man and the next minute, he behaves like a 5 year old 😀. As a parent we need to be more patient with them. 

Dear parent you need to know that 

Your teenagers are starting to think in a deeper way than they did a few years earlier, and they can have thoughts and feelings they’ve never had before.

Make sure you talk about the rules and the kind of behaviour is expected from them . 

For example, you could say, we talk politely to each other in this house.  This means we don’t call other people names”

Always Stay calm. This is important if your teenagers react with “an attitude” to a discussion. Stop, and stay calm and calmly continue with what you wanted to say.

Make sure you only focus on the behaviour, not your child. When you need to talk about some disrespectful behaviour, focus on the behaviour and how you feel about it. Avoid any comments about your teenagers personality or character.

Be a good role model. When you’re with your kid, try to speak and act the way you want him to speak and act towards you. Model the trait you wish to see in your kids 

Praise your teenager for positive communication. When you have a positive interaction, point this out to your kid. This lets his know you’re aware of and value his opinions.

Set and use consequences but try not to set too many.

But make sure you follow through. 

.

Sometimes kids are disrespectful without meaning to be rude. So make sure you find out if they were rude on purpose, by asking them. Don’t always assume. 

Here are some few thing you shouldn’t do 

Don’t argue, this rarely works for parents or teenagers. When we get angry, we can say things we don’t mean. So make sure you’re calm whenever you want to talk to them. 

Yelling: When you yell or scream back at your child, it simply challenges him and it escalates the argument. Not only that, but it keeps the fight going longer.  The more you try, the more your child fights back, so the louder you yell, and then he starts getting more angry. So please don’t do that. 

Being defensive: this is very rarely useful. Most of the time, whenever your teenagers are in their mood, please try not to take it personal because it’s not about you. 

Telling them what to do: even though you have more life experience than your child, telling him about how to behave is likely to turn him off listening. If you want your child to listen to you, you might need to spend time listening to him first. 

Complaining: this isn’t likely to have much effect. It might increase your frustration, and your child will probably just zone out. 

Don’t ask too many questions!

Teenagers feel a great need for privacy, and what previously might have been everyday questions, could now feel like an interrogation to them. When you ask them too many questions they will think you’re trying to control them. 

.

My final thought 

If you often feel let down by your teenager’s behaviour, perhaps you have unrealistic expectations. Teens tend to look less to their parents and more to their peers for role models. But we should continue to provide guidance, encouragement and appropriate discipline while allowing your teens to have more independence.

Last but most important, seize every available moment to make connections! 

We also need to remember that we don’t own our kids. 

Happy parenting 

Positiveparentingwitholu

As an ASD practitioner, I work with children with various disabilities to help them become more independent with day-to-day activities like eating, dressing and grooming. As a schoolteacher and EYP, I will always be a lifelong learner, striving to better meet the needs of the children I work with. In honor of World Autism Awareness Day and Autism Awareness Month, I want to share what I have learned along the way working with children with autistic spectrum disorder (ASD) and how they taught me the importance of acceptance, patience and reflection.  

Acceptance

When I first began working with children with autism, I honestly struggled to better understand and support them. Our differences made it hard for me to connect and I found myself only teaching these kids to conform to what I viewed as “typical” behavior. The more time I spent with these children, the more I began to accept that all people are different and unique. I learned that my job is to help the children I work with live life to their fullest potential, but that will look different for every person. 

Patience

Patience is everything when you’re working with autistic children. Parents have thanked me for staying positive, celebrating the small victories and “not giving up” on their child. 

One of the things the boy I was working with loved doing was running 🏃‍♀️. Most times when we were in the classroom, he would run out of the class and would run around the school compound, which was not allowed. Since I didn’t know much about him or his condition. My reaction was to chase after him in order to get him to come back to class. Which never worked. I would always get frustrated, because it was exhausting chasing after an 8-year-old boy. On the other hand, this boy loved it, he would keep running away from me and would laugh as he ran 😆.

I later realized, after my training, that in his mind it’s was a game, he thought we were playing a running game 😀

everything made sense and it completely changed my perspective and approach towards this sweet boy. And I was able to support and provide for his needs 

Here are some few things I learnt from my training and working with autistic children 

CONCENTRATION/FOCUS

Autistic people are more likely to give all their attention to one thing

If they’re pulled away from what they are doing, they would go bananas and it may take a while to calm them down.  It underlines their difficulties with emotional control.

This is why the best advice when trying to engage with an autistic child is to start with what their interests are. 

NOISES

Most autistic children will most likely be anxious in an unfamiliar and noisy environment and, instead of seeking comfort from their parents or playing with any of the toys on offer, they would just sit alone or zone out and stay away from people. They are usually overwhelmed by noisy situations. 

Here are some of what they Like and Dislike

Likes

🦸 THEY LOVE TO BE ALONE 

🦸‍♀️ MUSIC 🎵 

🦸‍♀️ QUIET ROOM / SENSORY ROOM

🦸‍♀️ BLOCKS 

🦸‍♀️

DISLIKES

🦸‍♀️THEY DON’T LIKE NOISES 

🦸‍♂️STRONG PERFUME 

THEY DONT LIKE LOOKING AT YOU (Lack of eye contact)

🦸‍♀️PEOPLE TOUCHING THEM

Not making eye contact doesn’t mean a child is not listening or doesn’t understand you. 

If you have a child or a family member that is Autistic this is for you.

Some tips on how to support them.

The first thing to do is to Accept them  as they are, accept that they are different and that they can’t be changed to ‘normal’ (they are already a normal and whole child), they are just wired differently. 

While by the age of two most children often enjoy pretend play, many autistic boys and girls with their logical, literal minds won’t see the point.

A broom is a broom and not a rocket ship. You may receive a look of blank incomprehension when you try to pretend otherwise. Boys on the autistic spectrum don’t usually engage in lots of pretend play, preferring instead to explore the physical aspects of toys: examining the screws on the underside of their toy fire engine, for example, rather than driving it to save people from an imaginary fire. 

Girls may appear to demonstrate lots of imagination, but careful observation will show a rigidity in their play: teddies sat in a circle for a tea party will have to be in the same place every time, for example. They are likely to be in charge of the activity and unwilling to let other children mess up the set-up they have in mind.

While autistic people are at a considerable disadvantage because they live in a sense-overloading world that doesn’t understand and rarely makes allowances for them, arguably what disadvantages them most is being constantly defined by what they can’t do, rather than what they can do.

Remember you cannot change them, that’s who they are. We just need to let them learn and grow at their own pace. 

Accepting your children’s autistic identity and knowing how to support them is the most important thing you can do as a parent of an autistic child. Please support your child and let them know that they are loved

MY FINAL THOUGHT

I know it’s not easy being a parent of an autistic child, that’s why we need to accept them as they are and learn more on how to help and support their needs. Praise them, encourage them and use lots of positive words with them. 

Autistic children understand more about their environment more than you think even though they may not be able to express themselves, they are communicating with you in other ways.

Please SEEK HELP if you’re struggling, because you’re not alone. Join groups and also make friends with parents who have autistic children.

For parents and carers of children with autism, knowledge is power.

Different children crave for different kinds of attention and affection, and in this post. I am going to help you figure out which matters the most to your child so she can feel truly adored.

My soon to be 17 -year -old son is this type of kid who you can trust to listen to you when you ask him to do something. Thus, when I receive a phone call from his school about his bad behaviour, I Immediately recognise that I must have ignored him that week, or probably something was bothering him and I must have missed it. Now that I am aware that, most misbehaviour in kids are often a cry for help, my solution would always be to find time to talk to him and reconnect with him. And even though he is nearly 17, he still comes to give me hugs, only when we are alone. He also loves words of affirmation, and I tell him almost every morning that I love him. He loves that (Our boys needs to hear these words too) I later realised that my son’s love language are words of Affirmation and hugs (physical touch)

We all experience love and express it in the same five ways through physical touch, gifts, words of affirmation, active service and quality time.

But, every one has one that matters most, It’s not enough to love your kids, you have to know how to communicate love to your child so that he genuinely feels loved. I realise that the verbal reassurance I’d been giving my son didn’t mean nearly as much to him as hugs, cuddles and other hands on display of affection. Even though he may not think so if you ask him, since he thinks of himself as a grown man.

The first step in identifying your child’s primary love language is to pay attention to how he shows you love. Why? We all tend to offer affection in the way we wish to receive it. However, we need to learn how to give love to others in the way that works for them.

*For example, your love language maybe gifts and you may decide to do the same for your kids, however their love language maybe physical touch.

So, lets take a look at ways your child may speak or ask for his love language ;

1. CUDDLE ME, PLAY WITH ME! Though a hug may say, ‘I love you’ to all kids, for ones who adore physical touch, it shouts, ” I LOVE YOU!”

Is this your child?

If your children are constantly in your space touching you or playing with your hair or holding your body, that’s a signal that they need to be touched more. So hug and play with them, put them on your lap and just play with them.

2. PRESENT/GIFTS PLEASE!” Children who feel loved when they receive things aren’t just pandering for more stuff.

Is this your child?

Someone whose primary love language is gifts tends to care about how a present is wrapped, and he often remembers who gave him what for months or years after the fact. If your kid have trouble throwing things out, even if he hasn’t looked at them in ages, that may be his love language, As a parent you need to express love to him this way, since your child sees a gift as a symbol of your love. It may be something as simple as ice cream or stickers. But we have to be careful not to overdo it. We need to give gifts that are appropriate for their age and will be helpful to them rather than just what they want.

3. TALK TO ME! For kids who listen intently and speak sweetly, your loving words matter most.

Is this your child?

If your child’s face light up every time you say something nice to them or they say nice things to you too. That is a signal that could be their love language.

My son sometimes says something nice to me such as, “Mum you look great this morning”. So, I do the same to him.

You can express love this way; – You can write little notes and put it in their lunchboxes, or send them a lovely text or you can give them a postcards that says words like, ” You’re the best thing in my life”. Simply try to say positive things to them often. You will see the difference in their behaviour. Trust me it works!

4. YOU DO IT FOR ME – Acts of Service is the strangest love language. But kids who speak it appreciate thoughtful gestures, like a 10 year old begging you to tie his shoelaces for him.

Is this your child?

Your 10 year old child may ask you to do some strange things for them, like fixing his broken toys or changing his bed sheets for him.

You can express love this way; – You don’t have to jump at every request. But as these children are growing, its important to encourage self reliance and expect them to do what they can themselves at each stage of development. The best you can do for your child is walking him through a new process and teaching him step-by-step how to be more capable.

5.SPEND TIME WITH ME: These children feel most valued when you choose to spend time with them

Is this your child?

If your child often say things like, “Mum, watch this” or “Play with me” they are begging for quality time.

You can express love this way, – Offer undivided attention; it doesn’t have to be long, let your child choose the activity.

Please note, – If your child’s love language is quality time and your method of discipline is putting her in a room and isolating her, that’s a harsh punishment to her.

MY FINAL THOUGHTS

I believe that love language are like personality traits that stays with us for life. Remember your child’s preference might seem to change from moment to moment and stage to stage. A toddler who craves hugs may grow into an 8 year old who doesn’t like physical touch.

Pay attention to your child’s reactions and about the types of love she needs in any given moment and there is no doubt that you will continue to connect to reconnect as she grows.

So, guys what’s your children’s Love language or yours?

Please leave a comment below if you want.

Thank you

Olu

#freeparentingtipstuesday

Dear mums, the day your daughter starts her period for the first time can be very confusing and scary.

Most girls start their periods when they’re about 12, but they can start as Early as 8, so its important to talk to your girls from an early age to make sure they’re prepared before the big day. Many parents feel awkward talking about periods, especially with pre-teen girls, who can seem to get easily embarrassed

Also most parents, would have prepared their daughters with “Period Talk” before they start and most parents would have gotten some supplies ready for them, so no one is shocked when it finally arrives. However, there are some things to make sure your girl knows about this blessings of life.

HERE ARE 8 THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR DAUGHTER WHEN SHE HER FIRST PERIOD

1.THIS IS A PERFECT NATURAL PART OF LIFE: Let your daughter know that it’s a natural part of life that a lot girls her age may be having their periods soon. If they haven’t already. If you can remember when you started share with her about that day, and if you can’t, it’s ok, you can also share another story about your period at her age.

2. TALK ABOUT DIFFERENT METHODS OF PROTECTION : Most girls are comfortable with maxi when they are first starting out. Hopefully you’ve already shown her how to use one. At this time, make sure she knows that it needs to be changed every four hours. Talk about the different strengths available in pad and how to choose the right ones on the right day. Make sure she knows how to dispose of the pads, using the wrapper from the new one to wrap the older one before throwing in the trash and not the toilet.

3. TALK ABOUT DIFFERENT LEVELS OF FLOWS: While talking about pads and tampons, be sure she is aware that sometimes she will have heavier flow than others. Make sure she know that if a pad or a tampon is filled to the max in an hour, she needs to let you or a doctor know right away.

4. TEACH HER HOW TO TRACK HER CYCLE ON THE CALENDAR : Whether she has her own calendar or not, most girls might be a little embarrassed at this age to have their period tracked. Let her know she can use the little symbol instead, to indicate where she starts or how many days her period last. (a little circle, an X, heart, or whatever she likes)

5. LET HER KNOW THAT IT IS NORMAL FOR HER PERIOD TO BE IRREGULAR AT FIRST : Many girls will start their period and not get one again for six months. Most girls just starting our will not have 28 days circles. Encourage her to keep track and see if she can identify any patterns and reassure her that in a couple of years it might regular.

6. TALK ABOUT SOME SYMPTOMS SHE MIGHT EXPERIENCE AND HOW TO DEAL WITH IT: She may experience cramps and bloating or irritability, remind her this is normal and share how you would treat each symptom.

TEACH HER HOW TO USE THE PAD AND ENCOURAGE GOOD HYGIENE: Hopefully at this time your daughter is taking good care of herself. But if she’s been slacking, now is the time to make sure she is showering regularly and keeping herself clean.

TEACH HER HOW TO DEAL WITH LAUNDRY ISSUES: Let your daughter know that sometimes stain happen no matter how careful you are. Encourage her to set aside a set of underwear for period week, so all of her panties aren’t ruined and teach her how to treat stains on clothing or bedding and how to deal with it.

My final thoughts

Dear parents, remember that this is a very confusing time for your girls. There are so many natural changes going on in their lives and bodies and their friends are likely going through it, too… So please show her some extra love and encouragement as often as you can.

When you hear the word conflicts, what do you think of? Arguments, quarrels, disagreements?

And how do conflict make you feel? Angry, upset, hurt and frustrated?.

Today I’m going to be talking about how to teach conflict resolutions to your kids and if you are like me as a parent, you may be able to learn a thing or two as well, as conflict are a part of our everyday life.

Let’s start by defining Conflict.

What is conflict? Conflict exist when one person has a need for another and that need is not being met.

I used to dread conflicts, I did everything to avoid it. I will avoid the person or get angry and defensive. I sometimes get sick to my stomach when I feel repetitive conflicts coming up. I was so sick of my own inability to deal with it.

However, one day I noticed how my son reacted to a situation between himself and one of his friends, I thought to myself this skill, conflict resolution is an important skill to teach him.

As parents we all know that children learn by examples, therefore I had to start lookinmg inwardly and started paying attention to the triggers. I had to work on ways to resolve conflicts without being aggressive or upset. It is still a work in progress though.

Today I’m going to share some tips and steps on how to teach your kids non-aggressive solution while resolving conflicts with their friends.

Let’s look at the following scenario:

One day Taye and his friend Ola were playing around and waiting for their friend Billy to arrive. While playing playing, Taye said to Ola, “I think I am so good at catching the ball that I think I can be the next goal keeper for our football team next summer”. Ola responds , “well…, that’s not what Billy said the other day ” “What did he say?” asks Taye. “He said you were not so good at catching the ball at our last game and that you made us lose to the other team” Ola answers. “He said that?” Taye asks angrily. Just as they were talking the door bell rings. Taye quickly runs to the door to open it . Billy was so excited to see Taye and says “Hey Taye, can I come in? Taye says no … “you cant’s come in”. Billy asks “why not?” Taye responds “because I heard what you said behind my back, and I only allow my friends to come inside my house and he slams the door on Billy’s face. Billy leaves the house angry.

So in this scenario we see that Taye and Billy are involved in a conflict and they are very angry with each other and that’s too bad.

People can stop conflict from happening when they listen, talk it out and get the facts straight.

Taye and Billy didn’t listen to each other, they didn’t talk it out and get the facts. Instead they accuse each other and call each other names. This could’ve avoided if they use the conflict resolution skill which are; LISTEN /TALK IT OUT/ AND GET THE FACTS

If Taye and Billy had just listened to each other and talked it out, they would have been able to get all the facts and resolved the problem. When we listen to each other and talk things out, we can get the facts and that will help everyone to understand what the problem is. It’s very important to listen carefully to what the other person is saying, however, this isn’t an easy to do while angry.

So here are some Steps you could teach your child on how to resolve conflicts.

1.Look at the person who is talking to you .

2. Concentrate at what they are saying, if you do not understand something, ask them to explain

3. And when you talk don’t be rude! Because yelling, calling names and blaming only makes things worse.

When we listen and talk things out and get the facts everyone understands the problem. Most of the time when we understand the problem you can fix it without fighting.

So guys, here is a question for you.

What would you do if you heard that a friend of yours is saying bad things about you, What do you say to that friend when you see them?

Please leave your comment below, I would like to read your answers. Remember we are all learning here.

Thank you

Olu

Are your kids fighting… Still? Yeah, I’ve been there too. In fact every parent struggles with this. You’re not failing. You just need a change in perspective and some tools to guide you. So why do children fight? More importantly, why do sibling fight each other?. Today I’m going to be talking Sibling rivalry and how to handle fighting among siblings. What exactly sibling rivalry mean?

According to the dictionary, a rivalry is the state of two people or groups engaging in a lasting competitive relationship. Meaning that in the case of sibling rivalry, there is a high chance that the origin of the fight is the competition for their parents’ love and attention. They want to show their individuality. Children feel they are getting unequal amounts of your attention, discipline, and responsiveness, and may feel their relationship with their parents is threatened the arrival of a new baby. Sibling rivalry is something that we should worry about and do something about. We see some adults sibling that are not in speaking terms as a result of what happened during their childhood. We therefore need to identify sibling rivalry as a situation that needs to be dealt with from the start.

So today, I’m going to give you some practical tips that might help you in this process.

Let’s look at this scenario. When your children are fighting there is usually something that happened just before the fight. One of my favourite questions when the kids i work with come to me to report being hit by another child in the playground is, “what happened just before you were hit?”. So as to understand the cause and effect of the situation. Most times they won’t always give you accurate information about this. But its relevant and important. isn’t it? As you become more observant in your parenting you start to notice what’s happening just before the fight, and would better understand the foundation of the fight in order to better approach the situation. .

A common example is one child is playing with a toy another child comes over, takes the toy from that child and then fight erupts, sound familiar? This happens all the time if you as a parent didn’t see the child come in and take the toy away, you might blame or assume that the child that was retaliating started the fight. There is also a scenario where kids can learn that they can get what they through fighting. So pay attention as a parent so as to determine what just happened before the fight erupted. That will inform you better as to what kind of consequences would be appropriate or what kind of intervention is going to help the matter. Fighting is something that bothers you as a parent, Why? because you have a sense of how you want your family to operate, a sense of what your family culture, rules and expectations are.

Do you have Family rules, values and expectation guide in your family? You need to talk about these rules and make it very clear to your children. It might be better to print these off and put them on the wall so everyone can see them and refer to them as a family

Let’s take a look at some examples of what family rules, values and expectations could be;

1 Respect yourself and others; This has to do with how we treat each other. So fighting obviously is a violation of rule number one but so is negative self talk. And as we talk about this and use these family rules in our discussions as a family, they become more familiar to our children and then that can become part of language we use as we process or intervene with the fights that can sometimes erupt.

2. RESPECT OUR PROPERTIES ; Think back to example, given a child is playing with a toy and another comes and snatched the toys, that’s not respecting our properties and its not respecting the sibling either. Therefore, this rule should help the children understand that it isn’t how properties should be care for. Respecting our properties also goes to taking care of things putting things where they belong and also guide children from vandalism or clutter.

3 CO – OPERATE ; In your family culture there should be an expectation to Co- operation. Although at times we would prefer to do something else other than asked of us, our family value and culture of co-operation would permit us to over look the inconvenience and make us cooperate with our parents and family members

Quick Tips on how to prevent siblings rivalry

*Always pay attention to what your kids are doing, so you can intervene before the situation begins or escalates.

*Celebrate individuality

*Treat your kids fairly.

*Give each child one or one time with you

*Give opportunities for teamwork

*Don’t force your children to play together

*DON’T COMPARE YOUR CHILDREN

My final thoughts;

As a parent we need to always remember that, we can’t always assume that our children know all these things, without being taught first-hand. Therefore, it best to start talking about this and teaching them by example in order to see changes in your children’s behaviour.

Thank you.

Olu

Consistency is one of the more important keys to addressing your children’s behavioural problems. The tips I’m going to share with you are personal. Also bear in mind that your family is different from mine. And mine is different from yours. For example, depriving my son deserts at dinner won’t work on my son, as he does not care much for sweets.

As a result, my list of age -appropriate consequences for my son, might look very different from your list and that of your friends. You should focus specifically on coming up with creative consequences to fit your child.

HERE ARE SOME TIPS WHICH MAY HELP YOU WITH THE PROCESS

MAKE A LIST – Include in it, your child’s name , age, Love language and his favourite things.

Make a second list – Include in it; All the blessings your family enjoys. Treats, Family outings, Toys , Game, Screen time, Game time, School Clubs (football, dance, music classes) Family nights, etc. Then match them up.

EXAMPLE 1:

I have a 2 year old granddaughter named Athena; she loves ice-cream and imaginative play with her mom. Athena has started finding its funny to throw the dolly while playing with them. Mom tells her to put away the dolly. Mom puts the dolly away and walk away, telling Athena, “You will not be playing with the dolly because you are choosing to throw them about. “You may try again tomorrow to play with the dolly if you do not throw anything the rest of the day. The following day, if Athena plays with dolly without throwing them, she gets 10 extra minutes of dolly time as well as a reward ice-cream for a job well done!

The end result in Athena’s brain is :

X behaviour made life no fun.

*No dolly,

* No playtime,

*No ice-cream. I don’t want to continue to do X behaviour. Because Z behaviour made mommy happy, gave extra dolly play time. AND ice-cream! I want to do more of Z behaviour!

EXAMPLE 2:

I have a 16 year old son named Michael. Michael loves video games and playing football. Lately he has not been tidying up his room. He is lazy and unmotivated. So, the other day I let him know, he will not be having access to his games, screens or allowed to play football until the room is cleaned to my specifications. Whether that takes one day or two weeks is up to Michael. However, until he does what he is told, he won’t be doing much more than eating, doing school work and sleeping.

When you train and teach your child that every good thing available to him is a blessing and a privileged that has to be earned, he can take responsibility for earning privileges.

Toys, screen time and treats don’t show love to your child. Those are THINGS. Things are privileges. Special events and family times are privileges as well. Your family must stand for something.

Dear Parent, Your hugs, your kind words, and your time. Those actions show love. And your child should never have to go without them.

My final thoughts

Make some list, write down the ins and outs of who your child is, what your family stands for. How you expect it to be represented, then set standards and expectations accordingly.

Please feel free to leave some comments below if you have some more tips that you use in your family. Also don’t forget to share with other parents.

Thank you

Olu